I was just adoringly watching my dog sleep and he woke up and caught me and now he thinks I’m some stalker weirdo.
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Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
every tall woman, looking at tall fashion models: okay, but where does she REALLY buy pants?
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
DOCTOR: Push again, the baby is-
MOTHER: IS SOMETHING WRONG?
DOCTOR: [holding phone] No, I just caught a Jigglypuff up in there.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
If I ever get murdered, I want two white women with a podcast to solve it in their free time
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!