dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
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Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Yes, I did a photo shoot with my thesis. Longest labor ever. #phdlife
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I’m too immature for adultery.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.