You’re doing a great job looking at your phone
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Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey
my phone suggesting a strong password:
kybdgQqwPlhg53!&68fme: how tf did it know my childhood dog’s name?
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Her: did you remember to pick me up some tater tots?
Me: *struggling to keep sack of baby alligators from escaping* WHAT
*offers Batman cough drops*
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.