No, YOUR illiterate.
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Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
nurse: she’s dead
me: let’s see SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
TODAY
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.