Me: *Calls wife* Hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places.
Wife: Yeah, is this why your calling me?
Me: Haha no, I’m stuck in the chimney.
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Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you are investigating something important and get shot, you have to leave the hospital, even though the doctors say you shouldn’t.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
“But my doctor said popcorn was healthy,” I say while pouring on a stick of butter.
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Look, Facebook, I don’t care that someone has “added to their story” unless they’re posting from the trunk of a car.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
be careful