Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
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Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
just left a huge legacy in there
And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Never mess with a drunken pig.
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
WHY?!
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
every year on st. paddy’s my mom would give us each a cabbage leaf and we would wear them on our heads like a little hat while we ate our corned beef. i thought this was a thing all irish people did but it turns out my mom just thought it was funny. found out in college.
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.