me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
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Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
This cat wants you to take your pills
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Me: oh hey cute kid, she looks just like you!
Her:
Her: I am the nanny
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money