They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
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DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Sorry for nicking your car w/my door, but you didn’t leave much room. It’s small, but I circled it with my key so you could find it.
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
When I saw “likes music” on her dating profile, I almost fell out of my chair. Because I also like music. Holy shit she likes good food too!
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
dude it’s called proctologist
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap