Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
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*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
March 16
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
[ouija board] hi grandma, i hope your in heaven and i love you
“..y..o..u..’r..e..”
My friend has a four-year-old and they’re teaching him Spanish in preschool. She said “Can you say ‘hello’ in Spanish?” He responded “Hello in Spanish.”
“Boint, B-U-R-N-T, boint.” – mafia spelling bee.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
I remember when I was 14 I really wanted a ZX Spectrum. I did odd jobs, and saved up my pocket money and paper-round wages until eventually I had enough money to pay my cousin Dawn to steal one from Dixon’s
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I wonder how long it will be before “You look like a million bucks” is an insult. #inflation
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear