Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
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COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
How does a mule unlock a door?
With a don-key.
#MuleDay #RubbishJokes
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
bugs when you lift up a rock
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
wait I thought laser eye surgery meant I get laser eyes
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Getting all my breaking news from Tinder these days.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
4: can I have two little muffins?
Me: how about I give you one and if you finish it, I’ll give you another one
4: no I want two NOWWWW
Me: let’s start with one
4: NOOOO TWOOOO
Me: just one
4: TWOOOO
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: FINE *gives her two*
4: *eats only one*