Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
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Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
Me: *grimacing* Something stinks. Where’s that smell coming from?
Friend: My oven.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
Only short people can save us
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Hey girls, you are not a “mommy” just because you own a dog. You have to have a kid to be a mommy. If you are a mommy, then I am a dragon.
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
TEXTING 101
ME: Hi
College son:
ME: How are you?
CS:
ME: Are you still alive?
CS: …
CS:
CS:
ME: I can cut off your phone
CS: Hi Ma love u
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.