NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
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Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
“Don’t boil lobsters, because they can feel pain” say scientists from National Institute For Boiling Every Animal Alive To Work Out If They Like It Or Not
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.