Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
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my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Interviewer: Is it true you are the first duck to be made a duke?
Duck: Please address me as ‘M’llard’
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…
You know a Brit’s really mad when they beg your pardon, then suggest something may have escaped your attention, before apologising for being close to losing their patience. Upon reaching boiling point, there’s a chance they’ll give you all due respect before issuing the killer blow of offering you their regards.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved