*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
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bully: gimme ur sandwich
me [pulls knife]
bully: hey man I don’t want any-
me: -crusts. i know
“Ben Carson makes stuff up” said Donald Trump, self-proclaimed zillionaire, demigod and unicorn owner.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
he looks great for his age
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for re-enacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe don’t play Unchained Melody on the loud speaker and we won’t have this problem.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
OUR KID WAS SOAKING WET WHEN YOU BROUGHT HIM HOME FROM SCHOOL!
Me: [water pouring from backseat] Listen, this car pool thing was your idea
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…