Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
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If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Q-TIPS WARNING LABEL: do NOT put these in your ears you WILL go deaf and probably die
EVERYONE: ima pretty much exclusively use them in my ears
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
You’d think being an introvert is less dangerous, but I just ran across 3 lanes of traffic to avoid interacting with a crossing guard.
Live, Laugh, Love
Leer, Lunge, Lactate
Do things that start with L
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.