Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
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[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that鈥檚 my son
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
“Weltengesichtpfeifenschuldigung” is the German word for “accepting as a fact something you’ve just been told without bothering to check”.
*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what鈥檚 the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that鈥檚 it! thanks!
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 馃槄
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn鈥檛
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 馃槥
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
Where’s my employee discount too?
I don鈥檛 know who named them safety pins, but I’ve been stabbed by them more than any other pin.
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
馃ぃcould you imagine
Him: I like a girl who’s a good host
Me: *trying to impress him* I’ve had a tapeworm in my intestine for YEARS
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They鈥檙e very good ninjas.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development