In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
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I’ll stick with papa johns 🤣🤣🤣
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I forgot to take my meds so I’m looking forward to joining the squirrels in the tree to talk politics
“Sheer Arrogance”
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
Inside you there are two wolves
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
Sharon, call the vet
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
(Standing naked in front of the mirrors, trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner)
Home Depot Manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”