Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
You Might Also Like
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
My ex is having a baby. Ummmm obsessed with me much? I used to be a baby…
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
My 6yo, sick enough to stay home yet well enough to be yelling C’MON BRO at his video game while I leave a message with the attendance office
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
I wish my refrigerator would quit opening my bedroom door, staring at me, sighing and walking away.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English