If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
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Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
*giving my sister parenting advice*
Me: So, you lift them like this.
Sister: Okay.
M: Then, scream into it. Now you try.
S: [picks up pillow]
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Bro I’m not afraid to die I’ve ordered calamari at like 8 different diners
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I use so many age defying crinkle creams that I don’t have finger prints anymore.
Not Wordle. Just a cactus.
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
🟩🟩🟩⬜️🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩🟩🟩
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
⬜️⬜️🟩⬜️⬜️
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
WIFE: Remember to check for firmness
ME: When should kids be allowed to date?
TOMATO: Minimum of 18 years old imo
ME: OK this one is good
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
🤣😂🤣
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.