Friendly parenting reminder – as the weather starts to get nicer, don’t forget to close the windows before you yell at your kids.
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wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
I only took my daughter to work with me once when she was little.
She cried cos she was expecting to see all the clowns I said I worked with.
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
On behalf of everyone who works in an office, a coal mine, a fast food restaurant, really anywhere, I have decided to make it my mission to find out who coined the phrase “do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life” and trebuchet them directly into the sun
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.