Teens are leaving FB for Twitter & Instagram to escape parents. Silly rabbits, we were here first.
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“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
In scandinavia they’re called fjarts
<—- homeless romantic
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
karate master: the easiest way to knock someone unconscious is to hit their temple
[later]
my bully brad: you’re stupid
me: where is your place of worship
🍞🦆
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Dating is so easy. You just ask someone out and they say no
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
I’ve lost my boyfriend! He’s in one of these browser tabs, somewhere.
My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
“OK men, spread out.”
“Oat?”
“What?”
“Spread oats?”
“Spread out.”
“One oat?”
“Dammit.”
Why US/Canada joint military exercises don’t work.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.