My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
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I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
Husband: Wow! The house looks amazing. We should invite ppl over more often so you keep it this clean.
I’m going to need help writing his obituary.
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
At this point my intestine is just a water slide for tacos.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.