Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
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I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Doctors penmanship is so poor because they’re actually making fun of you to the pharmacist
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾