I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
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witch (intending to push gretel into the oven): go check the oven
me: mean witch! but cunning
gretel (intending to push the witch into the oven): how do you check an oven
me: the chess game continues. Genius
witch: okay. i will put my body in the oven to demonstrate
me: oh
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
I find so much of my wife鈥檚 hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
[at my funeral]
boss : you鈥檙e LATE
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 馃槏
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Okay, good. We鈥檝e made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that鈥檚 a two-hander
Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
Welcome to Flavourtown I鈥檓 Gouy Fieouri