My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
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And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.
My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
Why is it spelled camouflage and not
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
Guns don’t kill people. Cats don’t sew mittens. Houses don’t crap zebras. Lots of nouns don’t verb other nouns. This isn’t new information.
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”