Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
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*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
[gets to heaven, transforms into angel]
God: Here’s your white gown
and— You JUST got here. How did you already spill spaghetti sauce all over yourself?
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
My sister in law got my daughter a doll that sings and blows bubbles and I can’t wait for revenge. I mean my niece’s birthday.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
At this stage, someone might be grateful if you TPed their house.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.