[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
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My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
Dudes named Chance never had one.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I peeled off the sticker that said “Don’t consume alcohol while on medication.”
I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
1st time waking up my teen: *rubs back* Hey buddy, time to get up.
2nd time: *shakes him* It’s been 5 minutes. Get up.
3rd time: *rips blanket off* Get up NOW!
4th time: *rage breathing* YOU’RE LATE!
My teen: *dramatically sits straight up* WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME SOONER?!
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
I have a firm understanding of basic math.
Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.
Some folks age like a fine wine. Meanwhile, Im aging more like a soggy cardboard box.
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
exactly 14 yrs ago today, I pointed at a beautiful woman & said “that’s the girl I’m gonna marry one day” but it turned out to be a lamppost
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
My kid asked how the Easter bunny gets inside the house and I’m very uncomfortable with the amount of lying this parenting gig requires.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM