I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
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Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I tell my toddler to “ask nicely” and instead of saying please he whispers his demands and I’m not even sure that he’s wrong
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
WHY?!
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
🙂🐾
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself