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My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
HEY YOU WANNA GO FOR A RIDE IN MY TRUCK BABY. NO I WANNA GO TO YOUR HOUSE. MEET YOUR WIFE. MAYBE SHE WANTS TO COME WITH?
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
There is a lot of tension between bed and productivity today.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.