also my go-to takeaway order
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[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Venn
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Imma just leave this here…………
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know