Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
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My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I was going to spend the next 6 years studying medicine to become a doctor. Then I realized I could just like Facebook photos to save lives.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
*waving two guns around menacingly*
WHO TOOK BACK THEIR ‘LIKES’ FROM MY SELFIE
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I think everyone should get to vote which family member should get shot with a bow and arrow
caterpillar: *walks*
snake: okay what
caterpillar: *grows wings*
snake: OKAY WHAT
I have hidden my son’s socks in his sock drawer where he will never find them.
HIM: I wanna be more than friends.
ME: You wanna be BEST friends?
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.