My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
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[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Bartender: What’ll It be?
Stephen King: A novel at first, then a tv miniseries, then a movie.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
“Cute shoes! What material is that? Can I feel them?”
– I say, reaching under the bathroom stall
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
i don’t “get” knights. i’m not calling some guy sir just because an old lady that eats beans for breakfast tapped him with a sword
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed