I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
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Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
If I ignore life will it go away?
The human personality is made of five key elements
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Is it pspspspsps or spspspspsp?
~ asking for my cat
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Not one person has been eaten by sharks yet this week. Probably the worst Shark Week ever.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.