Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
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ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
“We’ve got company.” Unwelcome news in a car chase. Scarcely better on your front porch.
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Why, woefully unprepared happens to be my middle name
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.