Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
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Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
If you’re serious about your mental health, find a very pale doctor in an unreasonably dark office at an understaffed isolated 200 year old sanitarium that appears abandoned then go ahead and check in until you’re cured/murdered.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?