Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
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What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: I’m not sure. Over.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
[trying to impress a girl]
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *turns speed up*
Me: *flies off treadmill*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
*names my little horse OneTrick*