Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
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[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Do one person every day that scares you.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
Friend said I was becoming antisocial. Ridiculous. You build one little moat and people jump to hasty conclusions.
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
Dear people who combine Christmas and birthday gifts,
WE HATE YOU!
Sincerely,
Everyone born in December.
When people start mentioning their doctoral degrees at dinner parties I find a way to slip it into the conversation that I’ve read all 6 Harry Potter books.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Watching JAWS and really identifying with the shark
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’