Hitlers gonna hitl
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It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
I should probably try harder to find a mail-order-bride before the post office shuts down completely.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
The key to a really good breakup is just to think “What would Meg Ryan do?” Sure, you’ll still be a sad, sniffling, anxious mess, but now you’ll be an adorable, sad, sniffling anxious mess.
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
Friday
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I really think Miracle Whip lowered the bar for what constitutes a miracle.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it