Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
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Does your life really flash before your eyes or is it just your brain closing all open tabs one last time
Hey dude that invented the unicycle…
Where were you wanting to go ?
then not go,
then go,
then not go,
then get bored and juggle
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Boating season is upon us.
*1st dinner date*
Me: waiter, can I get the bill-
Her: I love sophisticated guys
Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.