detective: lot of mysterious break ins lately
chief: anything we can do?
detective: sure, lock homes
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Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
[teaching my 3yo the alphabet]
“Ok what’s a word that starts with Q”
cucumber
“That’s uh… I don’t… let’s pick this up again tomorrow”
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
If you want to get more out of people, squeeze them really hard.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
One time I waited 30 minutes for a bakery to open to get the best birthday party cupcakes. It was a Monday. The bakery was closed on Mondays.
I think about that a lot.
How is it still this week?
mobster: *choking me with garrote*
me: ok NOW I’m wearing a wire lol
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
Tombstone: Here lies Houdini
2nd Tombstone: Now I’m over here
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
2 atoms of helium acting funny ~ HeHe
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
me: hey there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: I know what they’re for
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
Based on this ideal weight chart, I should be big boned, 3 inches taller, and a man.