She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
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I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
cute date idea: we go to home depot, you keep a lookout for security while I grab some of the plants they keep outside, we casually walk away with 2-7 new fruit trees
Dad: I’m sorry sweetie, times are hard so we had to send your pony sprinkles to the glue factory
Sprinkles: *at the conveyor putting lids on glue bottles* this is some bullshit
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
I heard a coworker describe his hospital stay as “being checked from the rooter to the tooter.”
Come back later for more stuff I hear at work.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Don’t be concerned whether your kid will like his or her name when they grow up. You’re the one who should like it because you’re the one that’s going to be yelling it all the damn time.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
[undoes GFs bra first time]
“wow have you been practicing?”
don’t be ridiculous
[me and dog exchange glances]
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
Me: *juggles stapler, tape dispenser and hand sanitizer*
Interviewer: I meant are you good at multitasking. Please return those items to my desk.
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”