I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
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I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
If there’s one think I’ve learned from twitter it’s to never be near an American and a wood chipper
Why’d they call it “The Empire Strikes Back” and not “Cool Hand, Luke”?
Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
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*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.
Applicant: I pride myself on my honesty, integrity, and being a decent human being.
Car sales manager: I’m sorry but you’re over qualified
Good morning y’all ☀️
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Me: well that didn’t age well
My Mirror:
Size doesn’t matter? Have you SEEN my coffee mugs?