Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
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Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
I was going to give up coffee for Lent, but then I remembered I’m not Catholic.
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Darth Vader: I am your father
Odin: I am the all-father
God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit
Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Son: How do you always know when we lie? It’s like you’re a psychic or a wizard or something.
Me: The word you’re looking for is “mother.”
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?