I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*
My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Every work meeting this week
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
rapatouille
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.