My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
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Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
[Wildebeest orbiting the earth in a spacesuit, uselessly kicking its legs madly every time a really grassy part comes into view]
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
pirate: shiver me timbers
me: *crochets a tiny sweater for his peg leg*
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I have two things hanging up in my office:
1. Pictures of my family
2. Generic emails from HR about things I specifically know I did
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
If you see something, say something.
My dog: i got this
I’m hoping Dune 2 gives me new opportunities to pun off Paul Atreides.
Paul: Fear is the mind killer
Me: Paul AfraidesPaul: Doctor Yeuh has double-crossed us
Me: Paul Betraydes
sober me: where’s my phone?
drunk me: I’ll never tell
refrigerator: you’re not going to believe this
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME