This florist doesn’t even know anything about floors, and he’s acting like I’m the stupid one!
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public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
me: how was your day
5: my day was horrible! i wanted to stay home but you made me go to school so i went! but then i went to the library and got a book, and made a book mark. it was great!
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
blocked.
A man just tried to flirt with me at work so picked up a Daddy long legs spider and carried around it on my shoulder. He left and I hope the spider never does
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that