Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.
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“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
What I said: No
What I meant: No
What my dog heard: Okay, but just look real cute.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
humans only use 10% of their treadmills