I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
I found your tweet-up…
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
*names my little horse OneTrick*
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
Crying on the way home from visiting my kid at college.
I miss her already but mostly I’m crying because she took all the money from my purse.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.