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What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
People in the bar at closing time are kinda like samples at Costco.
Both seem so much better before you take them home.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
Rich people don’t understand cereal
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I don’t want to be hot. I don’t want to be sexy. I want to live under a bridge and refuse to let goats pass over it unless they successfully answer my three riddles.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
It all started when I realized that we didn’t call whiskers on rodents “mouse-taches”
THERAPIST *pushes intercom* Deb, cancel my 3 o’clock.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
[on game show]
Choose a door for a goat or a new car
“I’ll take door #2”
You’ve won the car!
*sees it’s a Kia*
“Can I have the goat instead”
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Why did they call it an umbilical cord and not womb service?