If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
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Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
I WON A HAM TODAY
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit